Where There's a Will, There's a Way

by Will Limón, MSW

Health & Wellness Magazine by Solve Publications, Fall 2003

Many concerns expressed by participants concerns expressed by participants in my Find Lasting Love Seminar come from what I call "relationship illiteracy" -- not knowing how relationships work. I'm often asked, "How does one begin, or end, a love-relationship?" Let's briefly explore these questions with an eye toward developing a better sense of relationship both with oneself and with others. Then, let's look at a proposal to systematically address the underlying "illiteracy" issue.

1) "What's the best way to initially connect with someone?"

Meeting others with whom you can "connect" is a skill that requires both self-awareness and taking risks. While variety is exciting, the core comfort in every relationship comes from shared interests and values. Be clear about what these are for you. Answer:

1. What do you believe is worth living for?
2. What pursuits interest you, both leisure and career?
3. What do you enjoy doing in your spare time?

Determine specific activities and find groups with similar interests, e.g., a fiction group if you like to be creative and write short stories; a hiking club if you enjoy nature. Groups that meet regularly are better than one-time events such as concerts or lectures. Next, attend a meeting. Focus on the activity not on "connecting" with someone. Since you'll be around others with whom you have a common interest, interact with as many people as possible, both men and women. Out of these shared experiences other commonalities are likely to surface. Be open to exploring them as well. This is how friendship begins, the best foundation for any relationship.

2) "What techniques can you offer to move on from a relationship your partner chose to end? How is it possible not to take it personally and feel undesirable or unworthy of love?

There's no way to sugarcoat it, being "dumped" in a love-relationship is painful and confusing. The main task is to care for yourself emotionally and to understand why this happened.

Get support from friends and take time to feel your grief and anger. Remember that your sorrow is not just about the relationship ending. It's also from the loss of what you wanted it to become. Your anger can be an energizing force to help you learn from the experience and move forward.

Understanding what happened will assist you in releasing blame and self-doubt, and it can instruct you on what to do differently in the future. Try these approaches:

1. List what you want in an ideal relationship. Compare these items with what you actually experienced with this partner. This will help give you a realistic picture and dispel any "myths" about how great it was or how you somehow "failed."
2. Describe your participation in the relationship. How clearly did you express your desires? Were you aware of the other person's wants and needs? How did you respond? Answering these questions can help you learn what you might do differently in the future.

Finally, recognize that it "takes two to tango." If your partner was not committed or communicative and needs were not being met (either yours or your partner's), ending the relationship may be the healthiest action.

Fundamental lessons about intimacy and relationships are taught in families. How many of us had parents who modeled healthy communication, conflict resolution, self-esteem and loving behavior? How could we learn what's healthy if our parents didn't know and couldn't teach us? As adults, we experience problems both from what we learned that doesn't work and because we didn't learn what does. That's why many people have difficulty establishing satisfying relationships or continue relationships that don't meet the needs of either partner. As a society, many crises are connected to this "relationship illiteracy": divorce, teen pregnancy, suicide and domestic violence to name a few.

Adults can obtain remedial relationship education through coaching, therapy, seminars and self-help books. Let's assist our future adults through purposeful education. From elementary grades through high school we can provide core courses on relationship skills: assertiveness, communication, self-esteem and parenting. While math, science, social studies and English are important subjects, what can be more vital than learning how to relate with self and with others?

Granted, education alone cannot solve all our problems, but it can help stamp out "relationship illiteracy" just as the public school system diminished reading illiteracy. If we are serious about dealing with the consequences of this problem, we must be willing to deal with the cause.